Regrets con't.

You know what? No. I didn't get it all off my chest. At all. Lately I've been relapsing more and more into depression and it scares me. It really does, just some of the things I think.

I know I'm an awful person, I really really do. And I would do anything to take back what I've done.

Especially to that one girl. That one girl who I used to be so so close with, the girl who I'd talk to every day. One of the only people who was there for me during the height of my depression. And now she's like a stranger to me. So this blog post, is made for you. You know who you are. You love Kingdom Hearts, and Howl's Moving Castle. You introduced me to that movie..

I'm sorry. I really truly am. I know I hurt you, and even if you're not hurt anymore, it wasn't fair of me to hurt you to begin with. I should have apologized long ago too, it shouldn't have taken this long for me to do it. It shouldn't take relapsing with flashbacks of everything I've done wrong to realize what a giant jerk I've been. I thought things would be okay with distance. I really don't remember whose idea it was to stop talking. It feels like so so long ago. I bet you've pretty much forgotten me by now. I really wouldn't blame you. I'm nothing special at all. But I'll never forget you. We were so close for so long. That doesn't happen without leaving an imprint on someone's heart.

So here I am. A year or probably more later after we've stopped talking. Attempting to apologize to you. You'll never read it. You'll never know just how much I truly regret what I did to you. But I do. I'd take everything back if I were given the choice. I always say I'll never contact you again if that's what you want. But look at me now. Writing this, hoping you'll read it..That's pretty much contacting you. Looks like even now I can't keep my promises.

Do I feel any better? No..not really. This wasn't even a good vent..I'm just. Sorry. That's all I can say now. Sorry..

Regrets

Regrets. Face it, we all have them. Some more serious than others, but they are never fun. I have some regrets that I will never ever get past. Especially my past.

Now, before I go on I have to say something. This blog post isn't about me trying to help you. I'm sorry, I know that that's what this blog was supposed to be about, but this post is about me. It's about how I feel and about my personal regrets. If you don't mind that, then read on.

My past isn't an easy thing for me to talk about, or write about. However, unfortunately I can't just run from it. No matter how hard I try it always will be with me, just like my shadow. I know I did bad things to many girls. I hurt so many people in the past who really did not deserve that, not that anyone does. And really I regret it all. It haunts me every day of my life. Every lie I told, every heart I broke all hangs on my heart threatening to destroy me from the inside.

But I do honestly regret one thing above all others, no matter how bad that may sound. There was a girl from my past that I really really hurt. I know I did, and I really never gave her closure about it, at least I don't think so. If you're reading this, you probably don't know her, but she's a really great person. I'm not going to mention her name because that's between her and myself. But, in case you read this, I am talking about you. You who loves FMA and shares a name with one of the characters. Or at least the last name. Words can't describe how much I wish I could take back what I did to you. I really hope one day you can forgive me. Maybe one day we could even be friends again. Perhaps that's being a bit too optimistic

Anyway, that's about it. I needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening to me as I have gone on and on since I've started. It was a lot of fun helping everyone I could. Thanks for being here. I'm starting a new blog and details will be released soon.

Live on,
Josh.

Cancelled.

Guys..I can't do this anymore. I haven't been the greatest when it comes to updating, and there's so much I could have done with this blog. Despite that, it's over. This will be my last post. Let's face it, after everything that happened with Allie, we were hardly friends, let alone partners. I've felt so alone lately, like I'm the only one around..And saving the world by myself..I just can't do it. I've got so much going on, and there's so much I want to do, but I'm just one guy. I'm just one guy who thinks way to much of his abilities. There's someone out there who can save the world..but it's not me. I've thought about this a lot lately, but I can't continue on with the blog. It's been over a year and nothing has changed. I haven't received a single email in all this time from anyone about the blog. I haven't helped anyone...In short, this blog, my mission..it's cancelled.

With that being said, there's one final thing I'd like to tell you all. I want you all to know that I have faith in you. I'll still always be here for you if you need me. My email won't change, it'll always be Gokin_kun@yahoo.com and that will always be the easiest way to reach me. You're all beautiful, and no one is alone out here. If you ever feel lonely, I'll be there for you. Trust me when I say that things will get better. I promise they will, and until then, I'll be here. I'll always be here.

Live on guys, please.
Gokin

Taking the Time

Hey guys, it's been a while. I dunno about for you, but it's been a long while for me. Since the time I last wrote, I have moved out, celebrated a 2 year anniversary with my girlfriend, completed my first year of college, and found a job for the summer. I have so much to tell you all, that is, if anyone still even reads this. Well, regardless of whether people read this or not, I'll still update it. Hopefully a lot more frequently than I have been. I don't really have an excuse for not updating the blog, besides the fact that I merely forgot to. Hopefully I'll remember more. Anyway, I know you don't read for an update on my personal life so here we go.

Today's blog isn't about me trying to save any lives. Rather, instead it's about me giving advice on how you can help save a life. Some people think that the most valuable thing in this world is money, however I disagree. Money is unlimited, if all the worlds money were to disappear, they could just print more. I believe strongly that the most valuable thing for us is time. Unlike money, we can't get a job to earn more time. We're given a certain amount of time on this Earth and we need to use it the way we see fit. For me, that means taking time out of the day to let someone know you care about them. Sometimes we can take for granted that someone knows that we love them, and don't tell them as much. This could make it more special when it is said, but I've personally found that the overwhelming result is that it makes the person feel less loved. So I try, as often as possible, to let those I love know that I love them. You should do this in different ways though because sometimes, words just aren't enough. For instance, try taking your mom out to lunch sometime this summer break, especially if you are getting older and she feels like you may not need her as much anymore. She will really enjoy it, even if she doesn't say it out loud. You could try doing something with your siblings as well. Perhaps if you're the older one who can drive or something, take them out of the house for a bit. It's important to have some family time every once in a while. Of course, the biggest way is to just flat out tell someone that you love them. And never underestimate what kind of effect your words can have on someone. Whether it's words of encouragement, love, or even disappointment, and hate. Your words can drastically change someones life.

In other news...There's a chance that I'm going to abandon my mission. I mean, I'm a single person wanting to change an entire world, but I have no plan, no nothing. Sometimes I just feel so alone, like there's nothing but darkness all around me and it's caving in on me, crushing me. I'm trying to keep my light strong, but it feels like it's dimming with no one else's around.

Anyway, as always feel free to email me at Gokin_kun@yahoo.com. Any critique is very welcome, or if you need to talk about something and don't want anyone else to know about it, I'll keep your secret to my grave. I love you all, I want you to always remember that.
Live on,
Gokin

The Story of Death

I have so much to tell you all, but that will wait for the next post, and I promise that will happen soon (I know, I always seem to make promises but never keep them). Anyway, the following is a story I wrote tonight, it's the first fiction I've written in years so go a little easy on me, but still post what you think in the comments.

Through out time Death has watched over humans. He has watched them as they have evolved from a primitive species to the advanced species they are currently. Yet through all the advancement Death has become irate with humans, for with the advancement they have made, they have become painfully corrupt. Death dislikes all the crime that runs amuk throughout the world, he dislikes taking all the innocent lives he must, but most of all Death dislikes the selfishness that humans have adopted.

One day Death appears at the scene of a vehicular wreck, the scene was gruesome with blood everywhere. It was thought there would be no survivors, and all would be taken by death immediately. Contrary to what was believed, however, there were two that Death was not able to take immediately. Two souls who clung to life as few have before, two souls that were not corrupted by the way of society. These two had never met each other before, yet they talked as brothers in the ambulance to the Intensive Care Unit. One of the two was a twenty year old male working hard in college who had a goal to be the best doctor of his time. The other was a 5 year old boy, both parents killed by the wreck.

As they conversed in the ambulance Death concocted a plan to test all of humanity on these pure souls. His plan was to appear before them as they were put under and have them choose who would survive, knowing the selfishness of humans would cause them to pick themselves as the survivor. He concocted this plan to prove that humans were beyond redemption so he would no longer feel the guilt of taking lives, though it is beyond his control.

As according to his plan, Death visited the minds of the two survivors, and linked them so he could visit them together. He spoke in a quiet voice, one that has the slightest hint of an accent so ancient it could not be traced. He said to them "Only one may survive, the other must die. Choose as you feel, and feel what you choose."

Without the slightest hesitation both the young boy, and the college student pointed towards the other and said "I choose him to survive."

Death was taken aback as he had never expected them to choose the opposite person to survive. Death did not believe that they were sincere with their offer to die for the other so he placed his hands upon their heads and explored their minds. He saw that each was actually sincere with their offer to die for the other. "Why would you die for each other?" Death asked. Before either could answer, however, Death knew for he had not taken his hands off their heads.

"The child has not been corrupted by society yet. He will live a full life, the death of his parents shall make him stronger as it did me. I'm entrusting the future to the next generation as it is always up to the children to shape the world. The adults just serve as examples for them." The college student said to death without the slightest hesitation or fear in his voice.

"This mister will be the best doctor ever, and will cure all the sick people. Mommy and Daddy are no longer here, and I can't take care of myself, so mister should live." The young boy no older than five also answered with no hesitation and no fear in his voice.

Death was blown away by the sincerity of the two, he had never met another human capable of having such selfless thoughts before. He spoke to them again "I shall let the two of you live, as you have shown such selfless behavior. However, next time we meet, you shall be mine."


"Thank you, sir," the two said as one. Then the college student turned to the child and said "After this is over, I'll take you for dinner, and you'll live with me from now on, okay?" The child agreed, with a tone of sadness knowing his parents were gone forever, for not even Death could bring them back.


"Why did the two of you show no fear when you were going to die for a total stranger?" Death asked, speaking to them for the final time.


The two smiled to each other and spoke together one more time. "Only those who fear the unknown will fear Death"

Flaws

Every time I look in the mirror I see them. The flaws I know are oh-so apparent in me. I may seem confident, but I'm not. I may seem brave, but I'm scared. I may seem as though I have all the answers, but I'm really clueless. I don't know what has me thinking these things lately, but I've been struggling lately. I don't know why, but lately I don't see the good in me anymore, only the bad. I see myself for my flaws instead of anything good in me. I'm afraid that I'm starting to become depressed again, but I don't know why. It really makes no sense that I would randomly start being depressed or whatever, but it seems that way. I have a lot of good in my life, and I know that. I see that. But I can't help but see only the bad in myself now. I don't know why. I have an amazing girlfriend, and some fantastic friends, but for some reason I can only see myself thinking things like "Why aren't I as strong as him?" or, "I'm really not very attractive in comparison to these guys." I swear, I sound like a stereo-typical, self-conscious girl. But that's just it, I am self-conscious. I come off as confident, but I'm really not at all. I really doubt myself in just about everything. I don't see myself as an awesome guy or anything, but rather as an unattractive, weak idiot. Maybe I'm being a bit hard on myself for reasons I also don't know. I'm just not myself lately. I haven't been able to focus at all recently, like on anything. Even my gaming has been harder than normal to do, and that's kinda scary for me. Normally gaming is something I can do majorly easy, and hours on end without trying, but lately I just kinda don't feel like doing anything really.I dunno. This post is rather short, and extremely selfish, but I just really needed to vent, and didn't really want to tell anyone in particular, but did want to tell someone. Thanks for listening, to anyone who does actually read this. I'll start posting every Tuesday by 11 pm EST. Promise.
Live on,
Gokin

Friends

    Hey guys. College has been picking up a lot lately, but I've been writing every day, I just haven't had time to post what I've been writing. I'll try harder if someone reminds me though, I promise. But you don't come to this blog to read about what I've been up to, you read it to get a bit of insight on my mind, and boy does this topic strike close to home for me.
    Friendship. It's a rather simple word. We really don't think much of it when we use it in our daily lives. We toss it around just like we do the word "love." But honestly, to me, friendship is a powerful thing. Friendship is one word that shouldn't be thrown around, because friendship is something that can save lives. When people don't have friends, it's a really lonely road. It's a road down darkness, a road with very little happiness around. It's a road that can often lead to suicide. The saddest thing, is that road is extremely hard to avoid. Friendship is a two-way street. One person can't do all the work in a friendship, otherwise nothing good is coming from it. That's just using someone, and that's wrong. Friends are there for each other through thick and thin, no matter what. Sure, friends may fight sometimes, but true friends will never turn their back on you.
    The saddest part of friendship is losing a friend, whether it be from suicide, moving, or just simply growing apart. I've lost close friends due to all of these reasons, and barely have any friends that I had long ago. But the beautiful part of friends is that you can always make new ones. Even if you lose friends, there are millions of more people out there, some who are just waiting to meet someone just like you. I'm not saying a new friend can ever replace an old one, I'd never say that. I know that no one can replace Sammy. I also know no one can replace another friend of mine (ironically also named Sammy) that it feels I've just grown apart from. It's a sad thing, and something to mourn, but don't let the loss of one friendship stop you from making a new one. But at the same time, don't abuse the word "friend."
    A friend is someone you care about, someone you would help no matter the cost. If you wouldn't try your hardest to make sure your friend is happy, you really can't call yourself a friend. Real friends care about their friends and don't want them to be in pain. To achieve this, they will go far out of their way to cheer them up. That's what it means to be a friend. It means to try your hardest for one another, no matter what.
    I'm not saying it'll be all sunshine and rainbows, but real friendships can survive the rough paths no matter what is thrown at them. If you wouldn't go out of your way for a friend, then honestly I'd say you're a pretty bad friend. My blog isn't made to cut people down, but rather to build them up. It's made to inspire people to help me save the world. I'm not sure how I plan to do that by talking about random topics, but hopefully it'll help save lives, and that's a start.
    Anyway, back from the tangent, I press the meaning of friendship so much because I know what it's like not to have any friends. I know what it's like to be the new kid who no one really liked. It's a terrible feeling, and one you really can't combat by yourself. It's one you need help with. You can't be a friend with only one person. That's why if you ever feel like you have no friends you can feel free to talk to me. I'll be your friend, and introduce you to people I know who would make good friends for you. The number one thing is not to think that no one is here for you, because I'll always be.
    Cherish your friends, that's the main point of this. I could tell you countless stories about how awesome friendship can be, or how bittersweet in some cases, but I'm not going to. It's up to you to decide how much your friends mean to you. If you're the person who just doesn't really care if they come and go, then that's your decision. But you never do know if the person who's always been there will continue to be there the next day. I'm not ashamed to say I love my friends, even the guys. We are close as family, and that's the way friends should be. That's what I desire everyone to feel. If you ever need a friend, I'm always here.
    By now you all know what I'm gonna ask. Please pass this blog around, not for my personal satisfaction, but for the fact that more blog views could mean more lives saved, and one step closer to saving the world. Thank you all for all that you do, I really appreciate it. This blog would be no-where if it wasn't for you. I love you all. If you ever need me, or have any suggestions for the blog, or would like to suggest a topic or anything please email me at Gokin_kun@yahoo.com
Thanks guys.
    Live on,
    Gokin